CAREGIVERS: THRIVE Not Just Survive - A Mindful Approach to Dementia & Psychedelics

I was told that a caregivers group was meeting on Wednesday and I was invited to attend. It was actually the very first time I was attending a support group. I had been reluctant to join any group. I approach the path in front of me with an open heart. Experiencing grief and other thoughts, sensations, and feelings that may be difficult, uncomfortable, and bring suffering can be met from a place of mindful awareness in which a greater sense of grounding can grow. If a group had that approach, I would be happy to join.

I doubted this group was based on that premise but as a new member of the community where I had been staying in Mexico for several months in the winter, and now with a husband in assisted care within the community, I decided to attend, even if just out of curiosity and community connection. It was a small group of four; a larger group had met the previous week. Sharing our lived stories did bring connection through listening and caring. Yes, it was a helpful support group and I am thankful for the generosity of our hostess. Plus, these are neighbors and new friends in a community where I may decide to live in the future. It was interesting to get to know these women (yes, all were women this week) and to better understand their current situations.

The hour was drawing to a close. The hostess was grappling with decisions similar to mine: how to respect our own independence while ensuring our spouses had the care they needed. One woman finished speaking at length about all she did for her husband. Having one hour to go to the café felt like heaven to her.

Then it happened. I felt as if a force had taken over. I blurted out that as caregivers, we should THRIVE not just SURVIVE. There, it was out. It had been stated.

THRIVE not just SURVIVE.

That is a lot to contemplate.

So where did that edict, THRIVE not just survive, come from?

When I was in The Beaches in Toronto three weeks ago, where my eldest daughter lives, we were walking back to her house on the boardwalk, in the middle of a fresh spring day, casually talking about life. I was ruminating about her dad coming back to Vermont (out of assisted living) for the summer and that I could handle it.

I …CAN…..HANDLE….IT.

In my daughter’s gentle and kind manner, as we watched some Canada geese fly overhead, she responded something like, “Yeah I know you can handle it. Women of course say they can handle it. Most women can handle anything.”

She edified me by then adding, “Women are choosing what they want to do rather than trying to handle it.”

An earthquake…a terremoto…..the ground of my understanding shaken.

I had never thought to consider choosing over handling.

This contemplation kept raising more and more questions. Over the next few weeks, it opened the query into the role of women. The role of women in my demographic. The idea that caregiving can consume several years if allowed. Are women to just drop everything and then when they are half a decade or a decade older they reinitiate what they choose to do? Is an individualistic society, like most of the Western world, conducive or detrimental to a woman’s well-being, especially if her loved one has dementia? What about modern society? A nuclear family? How do finances support or impair choices?

I kept contemplating. Expectations I’ve seen put on women by society. Cultural narratives shifting around the globe. Unpaid time of caregivers. Lack of systematic legal or financial support for caregivers. But most poignantly, I have met women who feel undue pressure put on them by the expectation that it is their role and duty to provide the caregiving for their spouse. It is subtle, but it is still pervasive.

These contemplations wove their way into conversations. I began to develop a fresh lens that brought new ways of understanding into focus.

So back in the support group, upon listening to this neighbor’s situation and how she was dedicated to being the one who gave almost all caregiving support, I began to see it through this new lens. I actually felt sorry for her. No, she wasn’t trying to be a martyr. …Was she just slipping into the expected role? She felt she was doing the needful; she had help four hours a day. She had a bit of a break. That is what she told us.

A BREAK. Just a break. The break sounded more like recess. Recess is meant to take a short break from classwork so you can go back into class and finish the day’s work. She seemed to be barely surviving. She was certainly not thriving in the way my daughter alluded to.

Caregiving is something I am continually learning more about. This week I learned a term I prefer to caregiver; it is care partner. I do not know the specifics behind its meaning but my initial reaction is that it shifts most of the responsibility from THE caregiver (as the one and only) to A partner (like a team of partners). There are experts in this field; researchers looking into so many aspects of caregiving. There are organizations that provide lists to help watch out for caregiver burnout, as I wrote about in my previous blog. I have even designed two offerings for caregivers. One is an overview of microdosing and how it can help with feeling WHOLE, the other a helpful guided mindfulness practice.

I have written an article on how mindfulness and microdosing empower women’s lives, as well as others articles found on my website. I know mindful microdosing has helped me feel motivated and committed to choose what has emerged in my own life. Namely, it has been instrumental in my growing work and contribution to mindful microdosing. As I continue to see astonishing benefits of the mindful and reverent use of microdosing and even higher doses of plant medicine and synthetic psychedelics, I am proud to be an unlikely advocate for the mindful use of psychedelics.

Writing this blog started out as a humble, even sacred undertaking to honor and share my husband’s journey of dementia. With his permission and support, I remain committed to keeping up with weekly writing so the journey can be shared in real time — in all its rawness but also its beauty. I want to capture these nuggets as they unfold, before the thoughts and feelings become fleeting or distant memories, easily forgotten in time. I am committed to bringing the lens of mindfulness into every post; and equally committed to share and educate readers about the mindful use of psychedelics. By sharing its place in our journey, I hope it illustrates the beneficial use of psychedelics and reverent use of sacred plant and fungi entheogens.

What started out as a commitment to my husband has over time transformed into something I am choosing. Yes, I am choosing, in the best sense of the word and as my daughter inferred it. I am now choosing to write this unfolding story. It has, in short, become a passion. My close friend, a gifted writer, whose memoir is sure to reach many hearts, boosted my understanding of what I am doing. When we chatted today, she told me that she went onto my blog and read many of the entries. She was blown away by the journey being shared and the compelling writing.

My good friend, Jill Johnson, is a gifted, trained writer. She talked a bit about the craft of writing. I love that word, craft. I love the concept of crafting your writing. This may be new territory as I learn to craft the writing; but more importantly, by you receiving my words and lived experience, you are giving even more back to me. Writing this blog has truly become something that helps me THRIVE not just survive.

Deep gratitude.

- Lauren Alderfer, PhD.