CONNECTION: Happiness Research, Plant Medicine & Gratitude - A Mindful Approach to Dementia & Psychedelics
I am totally exhausted. I don’t know if it’s from leaving Vermont last week to, ostensibly, get Henry, who has been in assisted living for the last three weeks in Mexico, and bring him back to Vermont, or if it is from a flu (or maybe COVID) I picked up en route. Whatever the case may be, I got into Cancun last night from San Miguel, where Henry decided to stay for an additional month. I leave at dawn tomorrow to return to Vermont. I am thankful for the day. I have been flying in and out of Cancun for the layovers, but it is the first time I am experiencing the hotel zone, where I look out onto the multi-colored azures of the ocean and feel the breeze wafting over me as I write. I feel too sick to go into the ocean or even the pool below. Rest is the best medicine, so I am happy for sleeping in undisturbed this morning and now, mid-afternoon, on the computer in the shade of the balcony.
About one month ago, Henry chose to stay in Mexico rather than return to the cold weather of Vermont. He continued, and still continues, to swim laps every day, enjoy thermal pools, and walk two minutes away to get PT. He would like to stick to this regimen a bit longer. He says the biggest drawback—and it is a big one—is being away from me. I could feel that deep loneliness he spoke of when we were reunited earlier in the week. Spending a few days with him seemed to give him a deep sense of stability and reassurance. He also mustered the strength and confidence to choose to stay without me for one more month.
CONNECTION
It all boils down to connection.
CONNECTION is THE word I hear a lot in the psychedelic space.
CONNECTION continually appears to be a fundamental key to HAPPINESS.
During my stay with Henry, we listened to the recent NYT article on Happiness, and it referenced Dr. Waldinger and the Harvard Study of Adult Development. Dr. Waldinger, the current director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has been running for over 80 years, had recently spoken at the University of Toronto on his new book, The Good Life. My friend, who attended, concluded that his message all boiled down to connection. She recounted that he asked the audience one simple question: “Do you have someone to call at 2:00 AM in the morning?” It doesn’t matter where in the world the person is, but if you do have someone to call, it shows that you have at least one connection to someone.
So simple, yet so profound. It brought me the feeling of how connection is a positive, outwardly-generating energy. Connection is opposite to retraction and the fear born out of loneliness—perceived or otherwise.
During my short stay visiting Henry, I saw this fear and loneliness firsthand in a few people in a similar stage of dementia as Henry. I was saddened to see a woman, my age, venting about how her husband (of almost 50 years) did not care about her and was leaving her alone to fend for herself. There was deep anger, though she had almost no short-term memory. Her completely frazzled and desperate husband was actually doing his best to care for her and find needed support. Similarly, a gentleman, twenty-five years younger than Henry, was also feeling abandoned by his family, particularly his wife. She was also at her wits’ end, trying to stay on top of a wide range of responsibilities back home in Canada.
In the NYT article , there is evidence that men who have a strong attachment to their wives as they age are helped with their happiness. Skewed in viewpoint and questionable biases aside, this echoes wisdom and observations of my wise 87-year-old friend, who told me years ago how elderly men become increasingly dependent on their wives. How well this description fits Henry. I have said that I tether him to this world. My wise friend also added that women thrive on a network of friendships and can get overwhelmed and lonely by attending to the needs of their husbands. EXACTLY! Within the first twenty-four hours of being reunited with Henry, I did have an overwhelming feeling of being smothered by the needs his care was now requiring.
Constant prompting (Have you brushed your teeth?), reminding (PT is tomorrow, PT is in 30 minutes, PT is in 10 minutes, Shall we walk together to PT?), providing (meals, medicine, folding and putting away washed clothes, taking out the garbage, making the bed), and physically accompanying him to go even a few paces away to the swimming pool became requirements built into each day. It became clear that assisted living is the new norm needed in order to ensure a fluid day that brings happiness and purpose to Henry. He also enjoys the large gaps of quiet for meditation and silence, his inner sustenance.
It is now this balance of CONNECTION that has become my contemplation. Daily phone calls, even if less than 5 minutes, have been helpful. The person-in-charge suggests videos, a brilliant idea. Perhaps this brings a firmer connection. Our daughters and Henry’s siblings can also video with Henry via WhatsApp (our lifeline). I wonder if these virtual connections will eventually replace physical ones altogether. I wonder if communication over WhatsApp is constant enough to ensure Henry feels connected. I wonder if communication over WhatsApp is constant enough to prevent loneliness taking over his psyche.
As I contemplate CONNECTIONS that Henry needs, I am beginning to understand that it is equally important to ask the same question about myself. What CONNECTIONS help me thrive? What CONNECTIONS fuel my sense of purpose? What CONNECTIONS support me in this journey? And most importantly: What are the ways that CONNECT me to my own source of well-being?
As I contemplate these questions, two forces tug at my heart. One for immense gratitude to those that have been pivotal connections to me; and secondly, that I am looking forward to having one full day next week to have a Mini-Retreat Me Day. About two months ago, the last time I had a mini-retreat day, I shared its importance as a source of nourishment and renewal in a blog entry. I took a slightly higher dose than a microdose, but this time I’ll be in Vermont so I will have access to a variety of mushroom, Be Positive, also known as B+, that is one of my favorites. I already know that by ensuring I have a mini-retreat day, the multitude of lists of things to do will vanish—albeit for just a few hours—to be replaced by a synergy emerging from the heart of mindfulness that will nourish that inner wellspring of peace and effervescent joy.
As for gratitude… Words cannot express the depth of gratitude to my two daughters and their husbands who have been true pillars of support during this time. My gratitude to them continues to grow while at the same time it nourishes my heart as we join in a deep journey together on this path. Conversely, my heart breaks and goes out to people, mostly women, in my shoes who make decisions completely on their own. I have met several women in the last few months who don’t feel they have connections to understanding hearts or a pair of ears that can listen deeply. In their own words, they express carrying so much burden and loneliness in this part of the journey. Truly heartbreaking.
Another tremendous source of gratitude goes to friendships now formed through collaboration with the growing number of people I have been meeting within the psychedelic space. The indomitable Dede Cummings, my publisher and founder of Green Writers Press, for her belief in me. To mention just a few, I start with Anastasia Sutulova, who helps edit and post each blog. Her choice of visuals to accompany each post has been inspiring and elevates each entry. Moreover, she has been a weekly witness to this journey, connecting the two of us deeply. Her professionalism has helped push my boundaries, especially as we embark on a mindful approach to psychedelics weekly podcast found on Spotify. I have observed from afar as she also pursues her dreams, opening up Mandala, a safe space in Vancouver where she lives. I am indebted to Dana Harvey for putting us in touch. I met Dana in person at the Open: MInds Expo in Toronto last year. Dana, too, is an admirable advocate in creating community and safe places to bring mindfulness and wholeness together through plant medicine; educating the general public through her brilliant vision in founding The Flourish Academy. Swati Sharma was the first person I worked with, and she helped me dig deep to find my voice and vision. It is gratifying watching her as she continues to contribute and add her professionalism to the growth of the psychedelic community. Equally important is how these connections, like the mycelial network itself, continue to form new and vital connections—sometimes subtle and unseen, yet in profound ways; in other instances, more tangible outcomes, like this blog.
Perhaps gratitude is a seed to CONNECTION.
- Lauren Alderfer, PhD.
