Microdosing as an Amplifier of the Heart's Calling - A Mindful Approach to Dementia & Psychedelics

Hitting my lowest point in this years’-long journey of a husband with dementia surprised even me. My daughters asked if something happened.

Was there a straw that broke the camel’s back?

No, I responded.

There were many factors… all bombarding me at the same time. And as I mentioned on a recent Instagram post, sometimes a slightly higher microdose can amplify feelings. Though my dose was the normal amount I had been taking over several weeks, I believe if the medicine calls for something to happen, it will. So I held the confusion of feelings, particularly that of overwhelm, as a legitimate, real experience that, well, felt overwhelming. At the same time, in the same IG post, I did mention that caregiver burnout could also be a source of current overwhelm. I hinted at this in last week’s blog (though I did not understand the full extent of it then). Perhaps these two factors combined to bring me to my lowest point thus far.

The current situation is not sustainable for me.

The level of responsibilities takes up too much of my time, energy, and mental capacity.

The future level of support that will be needed is not sustainable in the current situation.

As the weather turns cold, the ability for Henry to be outside changes the day-to-day.

I am finally feeling grounded at our Vermont homestead, after our move here three summers ago. Giving this up feels destabilizing but perhaps inevitable.

A new decade looms in my heart/mind with an upcoming birthday. I have been deeply contemplating my deepest intentions, explained and understood as a sankalpa (explained in the webinar for those interested) — to manifest. You can watch the webinar to get a better understanding of how to have this intention while letting go of it at the same time.

Something has to give — it has already — now a decision has to be made, but what?

These are just some of the discernible ruminations that have unsettled my heart.

Then there was the beautiful family photo shoot. I wanted to capture the happiness, deep connection, and love I feel so blessed to share with our family. The very talented photographer, Carolina Meliones, brought laughter and fun to what became a truly joyful family experience.

Yet, for me, I wanted to capture not just our youngest grandchild — an infant in the last family photo and now a definite personality and look all his own at three years old — but I also knew in my heart that this moment may be fleeting. A last chance to capture Henry’s spirit here with us.

So perhaps underneath it all, I am feeling great loss and sadness. I am about to venture into the unknown. This next year ahead, after we had tried various situations, is changing again.

Alzheimer’s is a journey of constant change, readjustment, and holding the present firm while not jumping too far ahead yet keeping the horizon in view. (Hmmm, sounds like a mindfulness practice.)

I am grateful that our daughters have the space and capacity to hold space for me. While at the same time, I want to respect them as daughters and not expect them to be my main sounding board or therapist. For that, I am also grateful for dear friends in my life and a lifeline to a professional therapist when needed.

The plant medicine has also spoken deeply to me. When coaching microdosing clients, this reciprocal relationship is what I encourage them to nurture. So if I listen, perhaps the day I microdosed and my feelings were amplified (which ignited the path of overwhelm), it helped me see a truth in me. Yes, I can handle things. Yes, I am extremely resilient. But NO, this is too much. STOP. FEEL what is happening to me.

Like a floodgate opening, my overwhelm in the form of tears, expressions of helplessness, and a cry for help came from a most vulnerable part of a deep well inside.

Mindfulness is not running away from what is happening. It is the ability to see it head-on and let it be there in its fullness. Overwhelm. Fear. Loneliness. Loss. Sadness. Whatever it may be.

It is not anything to hide but to be able to name it, see it, be with it. It too shall pass. Mindfulness has the quality of being authentic with yourself. And as I promised throughout this journey, you are invited along the way. So thank you for also holding space for the hardest part yet.

Why this happened now I have no idea. There have been so many stops along the way that have brought up some of the same emotions, sensations, and feelings. At the nadir of the overwhelm, as I mindfully observed and brought deep contemplation to what was being experienced, I realized that my heart space felt closed. My body and mind were just so tired. I noticed that nothing felt uplifting. Upon further contemplation, I realized that I was not feeling hopeful or positive as I normally do. DISCONNECT and contraction were palpable.

With this realization, whenever my mind or thoughts went to dead ends or anything that felt negative or constraining, I literally trained my mind and directed my thoughts to something positive. In my body, I could tell the difference when I was contracting and somatically moved to expansion.

For many years I have written about the expanding energy of the heart. Indeed, I firmly believe love is expanding energy and fear is contracting energy. I was in the depth of being between the two. Life can be like that. I am deeply thankful for the years of meditation training and practice so that I can lean on these tools and skillful means that have come to my aid in these last few days.

And as far as my microdosing goes, I have lowered my dose. My relationship to this beautiful fungi medicine is deep within me now and is here for my greatest good. The beginning of the overwhelm was most likely invited in by amplifying what I was already feeling and had the capacity to face. I was so good at caregiving but the equation was too lopsided. Now my heart is being listened to. There is a mindful awareness that upcoming shifts and decisions will also include those that soften my heart, ease my mind, and nurture the expanding nature of my heart. Perhaps when speaking about microdosing as an amplifier we really mean it amplifies the nature of the heart — one that turns from fear and amplifies in love.

- Lauren Alderfer, PhD.