Caregiver’s Burnout and Overwhelm - A Mindful Approach to Dementia & Psychedelics
I have written about caregiving and now offer two free videos on my website for caregivers: an overview of microdosing and how it can help; and secondly, a guided mindfulness practice for greater support. I even recently took a Caregiver Burnout Quiz. I learned that much attention, even equal attention if not more, needs to be shined on the caregiver(s) in any journey that involves dementia of a loved one. I reproached and read about caregiver burnout. I learned about different stages of caregiver stress and burnout as part of the End-Of-Life Doula certificate course I took last year. I was managing quite well.
The abrupt turn of events for me to travel on my own to Toronto while Henry stayed back in Mexico in assisted living was a shock to my system. It was to be one week, two at most. When ten days away approached, it seemed unclear if Henry wanted to stay or go. I myself was not sure if I should get tickets to return and then get two tickets more and travel back to Vermont together. I also had another pending trip I needed to do by myself — a trip that involved taking care of responsibilities… you know, like bills, taxes, mortgages, repairs. Yes, in the midst of it all, these mundane tasks don’t just need to be addressed — all, if not the large majority of them, fall on the caregiver to figure out and take care of. In fact, as more caregiving duties take over, more responsibilities of this nature are added to the list.
Forty-plus years of ex-pat life created a more complex list of responsibilities. I am good at pacing, so I pace what I can handle in a given month, week, or day. “I can handle this,” is a refrain I commonly communicate to my family.
Interestingly, my Toronto daughter recently commented, “I know you can handle it. That’s what most women say. But is it a good thing that you can handle it? Or are there other things you’d rather be doing?” she asked.
“Of course I’d rather be doing other things,” I thought to myself. Part of what I am doing now is simplifying the life Henry and I took decades to build. Simplifying life and making way for more serendipity, unknown opportunities, and potential magic needs spaciousness — spaciousness of heart and mind.
When those moments or ways of being are conducive to ebbing rather than doing, a deeper connection is made. “Yes!” That is where I am headed; and luckily, I pace well enough that I can weave into my current life. At least most of the time — just not this week!
The week included several airplane rides and three different countries (all in North America). I ended up staying in Toronto ten days instead of one week. I was close enough to the Boston area where my girlfriends from high school days always plan big bday celebrations together — those that end in 0 or 5 since we are all born in the same year. This one had been planned months ago. I knew I could figure out a way to fly in and fly out before returning to Mexico to get Henry. He would be okay, he’s under good care. Plus, the person-in-charge said if I gave him a full three weeks alone, we’d have a better idea of what Henry wants after that.
I was grateful for the happiness of the bday celebration, the importance of joy and connecting with childhood friends throughout the journey of life, and the nourishment of friendship — especially during this time — that would not have been replaced. I am proud of myself to ensure this happened and to give myself this time. It is part of taking care of oneself, with no excuses.
That decision led me to stay on our Vermont land for a long weekend before heading south of the border. These days were restful and quiet and also filled with the joy of family, grandchildren, neighbors, and a gathering of like-minded people for a friend’s birthday celebration that held me in community and love.
Two weeks ago, just after midday, I was about to check in Henry and me to go back to Vermont, and try the next day at noon—he was in assisted living. I look back and can still feel the shock reverberate throughout my body. The last two weeks were about helping to absorb that shock as it settled into a more normalized state of homeostasis. This state is part of what we aim for in yoga practice, especially in savasana. I was trained as a yoga teacher in the Sivananda Ashram in Kerala, India. Swami Sivananda said that after each asana, savasana should be twice as long as the actual asana. So throughout the practice there is a constant integration of relaxation through the nervous system. Whether practiced this way or not, the concept has held a deep contemplation.
I can remember twice before in my life where shock rocked my world. One was a sudden, tragic death in my immediate family when I was young. The other involved sexual trauma. Although this shock did not come close to the other two, it brought back the feeling of the previous ones.
Trauma. Trauma is a big word in the psychedelic space. I referred to the power of psychedelic therapy in a previous blog. Though I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, or trained therapist, I have had the good fortune to meet some of these trained professionals. Their commitment to healing and commitment to the legal use of psychedelics (e.g., ketamine) inspires me. Dr. Rick Barnett, who co-founded Psychedelic Society of Vermont, and Dr. Karen Scott, co-founder of Sapience, offering affordable and ethical ketamine-assisted psychotherapy, come to mind.
Some professionals train and/or facilitate 5 MeO-DMT sessions in Mexico, where it is legal. Underground, there are others scattered across the globe who offer their services as space holders. Usually, they have received their own version of trauma-informed training for psychedelics.
Even in my own training as a microdosing coach through the Microdosing Institute, there is a trauma-informed lens. Online, in apps, videos, courses, and more, access to better understanding trauma is now available. I have taken one such course with Gabor Maté and Richard Shwartz though SoundsTrue. These two have become giants in the psychedelic space. Internal Family Systems (IFS) being the au courant method or framework as a tool to use in preparation and integration. Compassionate Inquiry spoke to me, as Gabor Maté described and illustrated this approach. It seems quite similar to mindfulness inquiry. In mindful inquiry, it is probing, shedding the outer surfaces, getting to the deeper layers—and always in a gentle, loving, non-judgmental way. Mindfulness helps to reveal truths—to see them clearly with a loving heart of calm-abiding.
On the eve of my departure from Vermont, about to check in to the first of three flights, just before going to bed, I spoke to my daughters by cell phone.
They both raised doubts if I should be returning so soon to get their father. “Maybe dad needs more time,” they pondered. “Let’s give it one more day before making a decision,” they suggested. “Mom, maybe you go back after one month,” they proposed. Then the last idea poured out: “Or mom, you go down as planned, see dad for a few days, then take the month to do what you need to do and also have some rest. Then you can return and get dad at the end of the following month.”
Silence.
I froze in silence.
I was aware of a force taking over every cell of my body.
I was in a state of my body shutting down.
I said, “I’ll think about it. I can’t make a decision now. Good night.”
I could not register what was happening.
Then…
Overwhelm.
Sheer overwhelm.
I woke up the following morning, still absorbing the shock from two weeks back and now the overwhelm on top of that. “I would at least take the first leg of my journey to South Florida where I would be staying with close friends. This would lighten my spirits. It would also allow for some needed R&R. In either case, I could just fly back to Vermont after four days; if I do continue to Mexico, at least the rest of the trip would be shorter and less tiring. I’ll make the big decision in a few days, but not today."
Although I had some of the symptoms of caregiver burnout—as noted in free video on my website and written about in previous blogs—they felt manageable. They came in varying degrees. As the skillful pacer that I am, I felt “grounded and confused,” as I mentioned over the weekend to a wonderful psychedelic space holder I saw when in Vermont. That was before I felt the OVERWHELM. And sure enough, it is listed as one of the symptoms below.
Luckily, for me, it was a MOMENT of OVERWHELM.
Luckily, for me, I understood I was experiencing caregiver burnout. I could name the feeling and sensation.
Luckily for me, mindfulness practice gave me skillful means to navigate the situation. Naming is a wonderful mindfulness practice. In this practice, you name something, give it a label, then lovingly, in an unattached way, recognize it while understanding its impermanent nature. Its power may dissipate—perhaps it doesn’t. It is in building the awareness that a shift can happen. One towards greater connection within, to one’s ground of well-being: where peace and love reside and expand.
- Lauren Alderfer, PhD.
